Hi I’m a horrible blogger I know but I’m back!
Yesterday my fiancé and I went for a hike with our beloved ween, Ella. It was a really enjoyable time, even though I complained through literally all of it (until we were down hill 😅). It made me think about how I’ve come to understand fitness and what works for me.
I will be the first to admit, at one point in my life, I hated exercise. You would have to literally pay me to take a walk outside. I’ve also been overweight for all of my life. Not by a few pounds, but by hundreds of pounds. At age 13, I was almost 300lbs. After high school I lost weight, and fitness was the biggest contributor.
I started to hike and found out I loved it. It started out innocently enough, just trying to get outside more often without having to actually interact with people. The first mountain I hiked, I sweat and cried through the whole experience. I felt amazing on top though.
I started hiking fairly regularly, around 3x a week. I lost a lot of weight and got to the smallest I’ve ever been (230lbs). Being so small, I could only see getting thinner, so I started starving myself. I ended up having a really unhealthy relationship with food, my body, and exercise. I was hiking miles daily, sometimes up to 20 miles a day. I felt sick, and I was always weak. My eating disorder was worse than ever, and I couldn’t spend a second without thinking of food or exercise or my body.
Then I got busy with school, and my boyfriend at the time (now my fiancé), and we gained 50lbs together. The rapid weight loss turned into rapid weight gain and I quickly lept up to 280lbs again.
I went through many months of not hiking, and of hating food, before I decided to try veganism.
Veganism has given me more energy. I am now working out every day, but a healthy amount. I sleep better, and I don’t look at food as only a way to gain or lose weight. I look at it as nourishment. Exercise is becoming a strengthening experiment to me. I love being strong, and kickboxing has become my favorite workout routine of all time.
For the first time in over a year, I hiked a mountain again. It was not as much fun as I had remembered, but I think that’s because it was a much different trail. Stairs and steepness made me very sore, and I sweat an absolutely disgusting amount.
But once we were at the top, I remembered why I loved it before. To feel so small again, in a vast world of beauty, was amazing. To see all the mountains, the little ant-sized homes, the vast crops.
This time it was different though. I didn’t want to go home and binge eat or never eat again. I wanted to fuel my body with foods that make me feel good, and most importantly, I wanted to exercise the next day to have fun, not to lose weight.
I guess I just want you all to know that you aren’t alone with your eating disordered or disordered thoughts. We are all brave, and strong, and we can all overcome this horrible monster. I am not endorsing veganism, but I am endorsing that you find what works for you. I know it’s hard, but you are beautiful and courageous. You can do this.
I hope you are able to find the things that you love in this huge world.