I should be happy. Sam and I are moved into our house. I have spent hours cleaning, decorating, and organizing. All of our boxes are unpacked. I am even on break from school, and passed all of my classes for my second semester in the masters program. I am happy, but I am also very, horribly sad.
That’s what brings me here, to you, today. To talk about seasonal depression. I’ve written before about how my sadness hits me at the most random times. Times that I can’t understand or explain. When nothing is going wrong, and things are looking up, I will feel the sadness slip back into my bones. It is often cold. It often makes my bones ache, my head hurt, and my heart break. There is no warning. It comes as soon as it leaves, abruptly.
Seasonal Depression leaves me staring at the windows praying for sunlight. It leaves me standing in the cold, Ella in hand, shivering, feeling the demons slip back in. They are the silverfish of my depression. They squirm, make me nauseous, and make me want to rip my flesh from my bones.
This struggle is not new, but it is so much worse. Being on break from school has allowed me to have 3 days of time off, of actually doing nothing. Normally, that would be a blessed thing. Who wouldn’t love days off? The truth is, I can’t stand being alone for that long. Even when I lived in Connecticut and was forced to spend more time alone, I would beg my mother to visit me. I would drive, hours, to visit Sam. I like being alone for a few hours, but goddamn. 72 hours with your own thoughts is fucking suffocating. When Sam gets home at 7, I am already drained, begging for more sleep, despite sleeping in until 10 that morning. Despite barely moving from the couch. Despite barely eating, barely doing anything.
I watch scary movies all day, because there is nothing more I love than being afraid, but in a new house it makes me uneasy. It makes me afraid to go up the stairs to have a shower. So I don’t. I just sit in the living room, waiting for Sam to come home. Only to repeat the same boring steps the next day. I don’t know how I’m going to do this for a whole month. I know, as the holidays get closer and as the snow stops, I’ll be able to see my mom and my family again. I know I will find something to busy myself with. Today, I am trying. I am blogging again. I am planning topics to write about, and I am thinking of making some youtube videos. I’m going to get better, and you will too. That’s the best part about this illness. It goes away. Things get better. Even if it feels like it will last forever and like there is no way out, there is. One day, the brightness of a new morning will fill our eyes and we will breathe again. One day, we will feel lightness and joy instead of burning and ache. One day, things will feel alright again.
I am writing this piece, today, to let you know that you are not alone. I feel this way, too. But we can do this. We have overcome worse than this. We can hold on-waiting, for a little bit of light.
If you feel like this, please, find something, anything, to brighten up the day a little bit. Message me. Call me. Call your local crisis hotlines. I am here for you. Others are here for you. We are loved. We can get through this together.