These Days

On days like today,
Happiness sits on my body like an oversized coat
Hoping to love me, but It just doesn’t fit quite right.
And joy is a summer dress 2 summers too small.

Days like today,
Sadness wraps around me like my favorite winter blanket
and I settle into its warmth.

Days like today,
I don’t get out of bed except to hide in the shower.
I don’t respond to your messages,
or hers,
or his,
or my mothers.

On days like today,
I can’t focus on the stupid book I was reading
The words, they bounce of the page and tell me stories about myself

Like how I am not Good enough,
Or her enough.

Days like today,
I do not cry.
My eyes beg for relief but they do not come.
I have never been good at letting go.

Days like today,
I have to stop myself from looking at everything as a weapon,
Including you.

Days like today,
My heart hurts,
My lungs gasp for air,
And my throat clenches on every word.
My bones seep.

On days like today,
When I say that I am tired do not believe me.
Do not be afraid of the sadness that you see when you look into my eyes.
I have been wearing this shade of blue my whole life.
I’m good at covering up, most days.
Just not
Today.

 

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